As I look at young married couples, I see two people, deeply in love who slowly begin to notice the changes they would like to make in their spouse. He would be great, if he would just learn to be more handy around the house. She would be great, if she would just ask Mom for some of her recipes. It reminds me of the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland, who wants red roses, when she has beautiful white roses.
We can get to a point where a “but” follows everything we think about our spouse. I love that my husband is a hard worker, but I wish he helped more with the housework. I am so proud of my wife’s cooking, but I hate cleaning up the dishes. I loved my trip to Disneyland, but I had to wait in a line for every ride. You see how the but, diminishes the happy feelings?
Maybe it is because we found each other later in life, but Hot Hubby and I are clear that we married a person that isn’t going to change. We are still in the process of melding our two lives, so we occasionally have to talk about how we do things. Hot Hubby will begin by saying, “Do we have a way that we (insert topic like “load the dishwasher”)? Then I will think about it. If it “has” to be my way and I am willing to take this task as “mine” for eternity, then I will say “Yes, I really like it this way. Let me do it for you.” If I am not willing to take the task for eternity and never correct how it is done, then I say, “What do you recommend?” We talk about how each of us would do it, then we decide on how “we” are going to do it going forward.
At work, I see a lot of arranged marriages that thrive and last. My coworkers explain that in America, you fall in love and then you spend your life falling out of love. In their culture, you get married and then you spend a lifetime falling in love with your spouse.
I am going to spend my time enjoying the white roses and falling in love with my Hot Hubby everyday.
What color do you want your roses?